Social comparison can happen to a child at any time – during a sports match, on social media, at a birthday party, or in the classroom. Comparison plays a crucial role in the development of identity, shaping of opinions and establishing a sense of self.Knowing how to spot the signs that a child is using self-comparison not as a positive motivator but rather as a detractor, is crucial to helping children navigate and reframe the comparison traps they will face throughout life.

For many children, comparison starts in the form of simple curiosity. A child might question why they have different household rules or family routines in place asking: ‘Why does my friend get to use the iPad every day?’ or ‘Why does that child have a later bedtime than I do?’.  These questions show interest in the behaviour of others, challenge boundaries and express emotions around fairness.When a child asks questions rooted in comparison, use it as an opportunity to talk about differences. 

Setting realistic expectations and goals is another effective way to prevent comparison from taking a negative turn. For example, if a child wants to be the best basketball player on the team, it’s important to manage expectations in the event this doesn’t eventuate. Talking about how the child would feel if they achieved this goal – versus if they didn’t – allows them to consider multiple short- and long-term outcomes. A level of self-awareness enables children to react more positively to unplanned failures or shortcomings in the future.

Depending on their intrinsic interest in the news and understanding of maths, finance and economics, a sudden and unexpected drop in finances may also come as a shock to teenagers.But at around 12 years of age, children undergo somewhat of an explosion in frontal lobe function. Their capacity to comprehend and process even complex information increases quite markedly.So teens may not only understand your current situation, but be able to help out.

The important thing is that at age five, losing is not devastating to a child’s self-esteem. It is when children reach seven and eight years old that they start to realise that there are other people in this competition, and the concept of comparison kicks in. Some psychologists call it the ‘totem pole effect’ whereby, in kids’ minds, they start to place the smart kids on top, along with the good-looking kids and the fast kids. It is at this age that kids start to understand that with every winner there is a loser.